Chapter 1: The Broken Heart

This is a really sad story about me and my Girlfriend from 1985 to 1994, she had a sister who lived off and on with me, but her son was kicked out of the city schools, (Explaining why you shouldn't go to the city schools.)  I have known her family for 25+ years, and this is the sad truth.

As you might of read, my family was kicked out of the city because of a rumor.  But the question is: Why would the city do that to My Family???    A child myself, who has a broken heart?   You can not Imagine what I wanted to do to that school...   I think that principle was the one who started that rumor about him, and I want to know why she still works there...   In fact, Friday March 16th 2012, she- the Principle of Roosevelt Elementary was over at my private house talking trash, cussing me out and junk.  And that was after my family left.  You can ask her why she did that and she will deny it, I do not think she wants to remember it.  And yes, I do remember tutoring my little 3rd grader when he came home from school, Every single day.  He was 10 years old, and I have known and loved him for 9 years.   I will never forget the time I first held him..  But now, Thanks to the city schools, I have lost something more then what I felt for my first girlfriend. It is very hard for me to live like this, I still have no friends,  I need to start completely over, all the way back to when my spirit died, in 1987. 


His mom knew exactly who I was, as well as what happened to me, but was kicked out of school, My story followed by my poem is just below, but be warned- they will make you cry...  My memories of that little 10 year old boy, whom i took care of for 9 years...

Created by: Mickey Buchanan
on July 13th 2012

(Exactly 6 months after he left)

The Most Precious Jewels You Will Ever Have Around Your Neck Will Always Be The Arms Of Your Children...

Once there was a boy, about 15 years old, who was next door to a bunch of kids.  He saw them, and wanted some of his own; he just could not wait to grow up.  He was proud to be friends with them, invited them into his house, gave them pop corn, cake, ice cream, and made milkshakes for them, he was so very happy to have them as friends, until those 5 wonderful kids moved and it broke his heart..  But then he got married, and fell in love with a beautiful woman, they were so happy together, loving every moment of life, wanting so much to be parents, and raising a little child.  Then one day, their dream came true. 

Unfortunately, the woman died giving birth to her child, leaving the man in tears, he has lost his love, lost his dreams, and his wishes, but now he knows that his dream had finally had came true; a little boy came into his heart, and he was so very pleased, and so very happy.  He got to hold a child for the very first and only time in his life, it was such a wonderful moment..  He got to sleep next to him, he got to read stories to him, he even played ball with him.  Until the child turned 5, the man could not seem to hold him anymore, but he knew he still loved him.  Every single day he would watch him grow up.  And he loved every single bit of it, he even took time off work just to be with his son...  Until he turned 18.  Then the Tears came...   The child that he loved for 18 years, got into a car with a few of his friends, and drove off to college.  The child took his camera, his 2 trunks, his pictures, EVERYTHING..  Leaving the man all alone, with an empty room, in an empty house, but the man still has his memories of being a father: biking, reading, monopoly, homework, and laughing.  The man will never forget that every single night, his 4 year old son would sit on his lap as he would read stories to him..  The man is now in his late 40s,  Still weeping about his memories of being with the only gift that God has ever gave him.  He cried and cried about it every night- as he remembered him growing, the child who he held until he was 5..  The same child he loved until he was 10..  And the same child he aided until he turned 18, is gone...  Gone from his house, his heart, his life; he could not see him anymore, which was the only time he had a child in his life...  He wanted it so bad, So Very- very bad, and took a lifetime for him to get- And now it is gone-  Forever..   From the moment he first held him, to the time he said, "good-bye";  It was a lifetime of pure and utter tears...

It is a real shame to have something
that you can not have forever…


He was not really my son, not by blood.  But I helped raise him, his mom knew exactly who I was and what happened to me.  Everyday he came here after school, I held his hand as we walked home from the bus stop, I helped him with his homework, we played games, and watched cartoons until his mom came to pick him up.   And this is my poem for him.

Created by: Mickey Buchanan
on July 13th 2012

The poem that burns my heart

My little son, as you grow,  

I will still be, out in the cold snow.  

With no light, to light my way,  

in the cold, each and every single day.   

From the time I seen it, I saw the light,  

Something I always prayed about, every single night.

I wished upon that star, and it came true,

I would like to thank the star, for giving me you.

I walked with you, by your side,  

with nothing to fear, and nothing to hide.  

I held your hand, with so much love,  

something God gave me, from the stars above.  

 I know that I, have journeyed far,  

 and I was always guided, by that one star.

 I cry everyday, I cry and I weep,  

Sometimes I do not eat, and I barely sleep.  

But now my son, all I ask,   

is that you do this, one simple task.  

Remember me now, as I do you,  

and I will be with you forever, until our lives are through.

But now my son, we must part,

But I will still keep you forever, forever in my heart.

And so my poem has ended, and I am done-  

But I will still be with you Forever  

My Only Son...


Remember, Your Son will hold your hand for just a little while, but as soon as you let go, you will realize that you just lost a memory, a moment.   I tried being the best father I could, I do admit I did great.  But when she left, she quoted, "A miracle in life could only happen just once."  And the best Miracle I ever had was when I had him as my GodSon.  Walking with him, holding his hand coming from the bus stop, burned my hand for just a little while every day.  It was on his 8th birthday when I knew that I would not able to hold his hand anymore, and that was when the BEST part of me has died.

Because of those events that took away my family, nothing in my life means anything anymore.  I was loved, I was part of a family, an actual family that really loved me.  I have known them (His Mom) for over 25 years, yes, her family were the ones who had a sister (My Girlfriend) who died in 1994...  But now, all because of One Person who wrote a silly rumor about a little 10 year old child.  Just One person completely messed up my whole life.   I have NOTHING in my life thanks to her...  But why did I not go with them?  That is the question that I do think about everyday, I could have gone with them, but with the solitude and fear of leaving what is here, the friends I have made and the memories I now have, will give me more of a broken heart to lose these precious moments giving me many, many more feelings of sorrow: HeartBreaks: (Chapter 3)

The Last Ounce of Strength I ever had was the last moment that filled my heart with so much love, knowing that I can never- ever replace it.


My Christmas Poem.

I have spent $135 dollars on a Christmas just for me,

but I can not afford all those presents, I can not even afford a tree.  

But you do not need a tree to show your love,

all you need is a family that God gives you from above.  

I love Christmas, it brings me much joy,

for every known family with a girl and a boy.

Christmas is the time for giving, it is very well spent,

to spend all your money- every single cent!

  But I did have a friend over, I bought him a game,

but unlike 2010s Christmas, I know it will never be the same.

 That is why in so many ways,

I will keep counting those snowy days.

 Keeping them all with my pride,

with only the love that I hold inside.

Chapter 2: The Others

Remember: Friends are people who come over to do the things that friends do, watch a movie, play a game, have dinner, spend the night, spend the whole weekend together, go to the park, to ride to a football game, play ball, or just TALK.   I even heard of friends going camping with the other family.

 My friends; they have so much heart, yet I can not reach them, none of them.  And the parents CAN see how good I am with them.  
But I still can not reach the kids, meaning,   They Will Never Know.


I Had met a little 9 year old child....

 One Of The The Best Gifts in life is when you say, "HI" to people you do not even know. It was June 29th 2009, When I found a friend, (age 9) under the apple tree, First time in 25 years.   He and his brother helped me pick apples from the apple tree, very few of the apples were left on the tree, when someone walked by, and said, "You could make an apple pie." Then it just hit me-  I thought it would be a great idea.  So I took it into action- I did not know how, I could not do it alone, and so I asked the kids to help me.  Plus, I never did it before.  And that little 9 year old child was the Very First, The very First person who ever come into my house, and that Opened my heart towards having the gift of friendship.   We all came into my house; we all had real fun making it. Although we did not succeed. I still had a wonderful time. He got to check out my computer, check out my library of Disney Videos, Music videos, and all others, I even allowed him to download a video from YouTube, play with my daggers, (Which I should not of done.) Let him watch TV, movies, play station 3 - everything. Even invited them over to have Pizza. Twice! And you know what; - I have never, and will ever ask for anything in return- EVER!  It was he that that gave me my first friend, And That is Something that will be within my heart forever...  

Then I met his brother...  
The best memory I have of this child was when I was out walking around, his dad, (who did not know me) talked to his son, I do not know what he said, but I heard him saying, "He is a Nice Guy!"  And that was and will forever be the sweetest thing anyone has ever said...  Sometime in December 2009, his dad was talking to me about snowmobiles to see if I wanted to go with them, I said, "YES".  The child was nearby, he was so excited about it, says, "I am going to show you the best, I will take you up, and down and give you the time of your live!" 

Then, July of 2010, that same sweet little child came to me and said, "Hi Mickey, How was school?"   I nearly fainted!  For the first time in my life, a 9 year old said that to me.  Sometime later, I was walking around the block, my 11th time that day, when he was at his bedroom window, seen me from 30 feet away, says, "HI MICKEY -Dad, can I walk around the block with Mickey?" It was that day that I felt an emotion greater then anything I have ever experienced before- I knew I had a friend, I knew I was loved... 3 days before they moved, I say to Him, The 9 year old, whom was everything I ever wanted in a friend. (The BEST thing that ever happened to me), The Best Friend I can EVER have- I say, "No matter how far apart we are."  He finished the line with, "We will be friends FOREVER!"    I Guess it is Him!  Who is my age!

 Some months later, the child whom I love talking to- waited at one of their bedrooms windows to talk to me- Which was so memorable.  He talked to me again getting ready for a snow day, outside their car.  And then again when they were getting ready to leave to see a school play. And you have NO IDEA how much I love talking to him! 

The fact that He came to me and told me that his sister wanted to ask me that if I wanted to be their father did cross my heart in a very unique way. I would LOVE to adopt them, but I can list about 7 major things blocking that.   That was actually the first time I ever heard that! And I heard it only once! But if they want, I would LOVE, Just Love to take care of the ever so special gift I found on June 29th, 2009. And I Promise, that I will put all my heart in doing my Best- my hardest to take care of them!  I know of that coming from a 9 year old was kind of weird but you have no idea, No idea in the entire world how much I would Love to do that!   And I do believe that I CAN...

I want to thank him from the bottom of my heart for giving me that memory…  I Promise you, that I will do my best- My very best To Protect him!  (A child like him is a child that only comes around once in a millennium.)

Someone once said, “Children (Kids) are Gods creation, and we must protect his creation, with all our heart. For they only come around once in a lifetime.”  And I Promise to do my very best to protect them from a bad memory that happened in my early years!  And I think they know that, they all know that I will never hurt them, ever!  

None of them can see my emotions of sadness. (Although I do not express it and although nobody can see it – It will always be in me)  Not even their Dad can see it.  They do not see me well enough through my tears.    I know these friends of mine will not last forever, but if they can just see that, if they can look into my heart, they will see that it is full of tears… 

You look at pictures, you look at them with tears, you say, "What happened to them?" You might know where they are, but as they grow- you will never be able to see them again, as they are in their pictures. At his 11 year old birthday, I did not see him at age 9, he was growing. He was not that little 9 year old boy I seen Under the apple tree, he was not that 9 year old boy that sat next to me and had pizza outside, he was not that little 9 year old boy that was selling chocolate bars at the corner of Homedale, and he was not that little 9 year old boy that came into my house and helped me make Pie... No, He is now 11, Growing, and Growing. Pretty Soon, He will be Gone!.. 


The Perfect Child...

I helped a family move in, I also noticed they had a bunch of kids, (MY AGE) all helping move boxes.  I volunteered my time helping, as I normally do.   The kids quickly became friends with me.  But there was one who really brought a tear to my eye.   And this child, will be the child whom I talk about in the next 10 paragraphs.

He was 9, he looked like one of my friends above and now I feel like I know him.  I could could even adopt him, being the same age-   We can cook together, play together, read together,  just have fun...   But no, not even my parents will approve me of this.  There is a dream, family or friends get together, get on the bus, have a party, go to McDonalds, to spend time with those Heart loving people whom you hold so dear in your heart...   Now, it is a symbol of friendship, and Trust.  We put all our hands on each others hands and say, "OHANA" although we are not all family, It still means:  "NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND!"

This little 9 year old who likes me for who I am.   I take him to Dairy Queen, we have lunch.  He only been with me for about 3 weeks, but he likes me well enough to hang out with me, I let him come in a do a number to my property, and I do not care.  I worry that if I do not allow him to do the things that he wants- then I will not witness a child ever growing up again.  From Picnics, dinners, bike rides, parties and games- it is all part of my heart- and my heart IS AT THE AGE OF A 10 YEAR OLD.

For him to go places with me, to McDonalds, to Dairy Queen, and even- To Go Shopping with me, to get the stuff I need at home- Was the greatest thing I have ever experienced in my whole life.   That is right, (Two Kids Having Fun)

I call him my nephew, and why?  Well, if you were treated like crap, your brother uses you, abuses you, your parents took from you, your brother takes your friends...  You invite the child into your home, HE makes you feel special, he treats you like a friend, he showers you with love, he respects you, and he likes being with you...   Is it Wrong to call him a member of your family??  Would it be wrong to call him one of your own??   He likes me because I treat him like number #1.  He likes me because I know just how to love him.  For I have been with people his age before.

  *Did you find the key sentence above?    TWO KIDS, HAVING FUN???

When I am with kids- I feel so alive - The heart that I once had has grown week, and unstable. There is a part of me that actually wants to be young- If there was a way to relive my life in the form of an 10 year old child- I would do that in a heartbeat. I do not think I could be myself in the form that I am right now, I do not think I could ever be the person you see. I only know how to be a kid...  I just want to Adopt a child to hold the pieces of my broken heart together.  It is like an angel who lives in your body, to keep you from falling apart, Well- lets just say that, "My heart is broken apart, and I need someone to hold it Together!"  

Since I never had a family before, and since I am so Child-Friendly, being only 10...   I can pretty much figure out how to raise a child..   And that is why I am considering Adoption...   To tell you the truth, he has spent the night several times at my house.   I know of his past, and know that he has huge nightmares at night, I am willing to risk myself in being the adoptive parent to fix that..  See, at his house, he is with his Family, since he is with his family he has nightmares thinking of his past.  When he is with friends- he will not be distracted by his thoughts.

His mom and I were at another friends house, when my little 9 year old friend knocked on the front door, I answered, and there he was crying after having a nightmare, at 9:30- school night.   To cure it- Just have him spend the night at a friends house, he will be relaxed, he will watch movies until he falls asleep.  (I know you think it is wrong for me to say this, talking about a child)  but As I said before, I do let him come with me to Dairy Queen. I do let him come in my house without knocking, and I do allow him to play games, any game he wants.   He invites his friends in my house, one of them is 7, the other one is 10-  Maybe...   And they all play Modern Warfare 3..  A Game rated M...  Normally I do not like such games, but the more he comes in and spends time with me- the more he will like me.....    Yes, he uses me, but it is the way he Uses me that I like.   Then, on this day, Saturday September 21st, 2013, when He himself, said that I was his best friend.  I thought that I was already his best friend.   But yet, I still consider him to be my nephew, the way he acts.

Dirt-Day!!! (Two Kids Having Fun)
We have dirt day occasionally, it is a day where we go play in the Dirt.  He digs holes, I dig holes.  We have fun, his mom came out and said something, I told him the funniest thing to tell his mom, I said, "We are boys, we can do that."  And he said that actually.  It was funny.   Along with playing in the dirt, we have created a fort, out of logs, and junk from where the trees were cut down.

And he has friends, who he invites into my home, I now have 7..  All together there is 7, Seven Kids who I have to look after. I told him something funny, I said, "You can invite however many people you want into my house, just do not invite the whole school."

I do admit that he is kind of odd, but to have a child of his age wanting to be my friend, having me take him everywhere- shopping, to Dairy Queen, - Inviting his whole Family Out to eat...   And that is all I want from a child.   To tell me that I am Alive, and not to be scared.  My heart has been broken so many times, it is Unreal, Unforgiven, and Unbelievable.

At night, around 9:00..  His mom had to go help someone move boxes, she asked me to babysit her kids, for an hour, They were asleep, Now I told you about him, that he has nightmares at night so she had to have someone there watching him, that way in the night if he wakes up screaming, then he will come to me for support.  And Yes, I agreed, I was there for a good 2 hours.   Realizing the next morning was a school day- I had to ask her if she remembered. And yes, she knew which is why the kids were asleep.

January 25th 2014.. 
You should have been there, I was at a friends house when all of a sudden, the mom of my Best Friend, (who was at his house too) drove up and talk to the father.  She told him that I am very good with kids, she do not mind me watching her kids at all.  That she knows that I am a good sitter for her kids, and that I am very honest.  She knows that I want a family, to Adopt a child, or to be adopted into a family..    In fact, I want you to come out here and talk to her, she will tell you exactly what I just typed...

I also met another friend of his, a little Indian boy, who is very nice, grown to love him.  I think it is because oh him that I had so many people, (kids) in my house, then he brought another, more came in, and even more.  I was loved once again.   And yes, he invited a friend of his, they have got to spend the night at my house..

The Best 22 hours of my life!

On January 11th 2014,   For 22, (that is twenty-two) hours Straight, from 7:00pm, to 5:00 pm, there was 2 kids in my house, one of them was the one above, and the other was one of his friends, they were 9, and 10 years old.   I had no regrets in asking kids to stay the night at my house.  There was even pizza involved, We- the 3 of us, went across the highway to Willys Pizza - I got in massive trouble for Not Asking their parental units if we can, but It was 7:00 meaning there was hardly anyone on the road, I bought us all pizza.   They spent all my quarters on games! And I.. did not.. care!!!

As of now, January 13th...   My heart wants to adopt children, like the 2 above, I know I can do it, I have no regrets.  And I Also know EXACTLY what to expect.  But in my brain, (that you think is completely screwed up)  I know that you, and everybody else is completely against me in doing this.. 

I can not help being 10 years old, I am too immature to be 30.  You can see that in the words of my broken heart, that All I care about are my friends, and That is All I have ever wanted, not to have the cops at my door wondering why there is 8 kids at my house, and certainly not my dumb parents wondering the same thing.  I am with kids because of what happened to my spirit, in 1987.

I have offered all my heart in taking care of those 2 kids, and I will do the same for anyones kids.  I have took care of them, I fed them, gave them a place to stay, I was nice to them, they respect me...

And that was The Best 22 hours of my life.

    Friends, Are like Family...   Just missing a few letters..     


My 2nt Best Friend

 I have a 13 year old friend, I like to distant myself from him, he has a cell phone, his list of girls he talks to,  he does the stuff that I do not know how to do.  I do not even know how to talk to him...   His brother is the same age as me, I like him mainly because he has not entered teenager years yet.  And that is what I hate thinking about.

 And yes, I know how to take care of him- (His dad knows that)...  We walk all the way to Mazama High School to watch a game, and I would NEVER let him go alone.  Even he (The 10 year old) thinks that it is best for me to be there with him, As a guardian....   Sometimes he does the wrong things, I need to correct him, but I feel that I have to be there taking care of him because People might take advantage of him, maybe even rob him.  And when I am with that little 10 year old, He Knows that he is Safe!!!....

 And I am a good babysitter to those kids, although I have not babysat for a few years- It is finally coming back to me.  I will continue to do it for free, mainly because I do not want them to disapprove of my character.  Besides, those kids are my friends.

 My babysitting skills have dropped since the 18th of November 2011.  But it is all coming back to me.  I must remind you that within my time there babysitting on Saturday, May 10th 2014.  Two brothers, 3 years apart will act- Like brothers do..   Now because I am like the same age as the ten year old, I PROTECT HIM.  Because the exact same thing happened to me,  I was abused by my brother, and his brother is 3 years older then him, and he has to pretend to be the tough guy.   And he is the type of person who likes to show his friends who he is..   So from now on- Upon babysitting those two kids, they will have no company at their house as long as I am there...

Yes, I am his brothers friend too, even though he could not see that I am about 3 years apart from him, and more of his brothers age. 

 I am always funny, Trying to be the comedian that I am not.  My little ten year old friend and I were playing X-box at the time, and he asks me if I know some friends of his, he told me of 3 of his friends.  "Do you know this person, this person, or this person?"  All the time I said, "NO."  But what I think was funny was after that, I say, "ARE THEY HUMAN?"  he goes, "Yea." It was not for a half a second later, he goes, "Mickeyyyy."  It was funny!

He was at my house, we both tried making a strawberry cobbler.  (A New recipe.)   After that we played a game for awhile, his brother was leaving, said to me something that made me break, said, "make sure he gets home ok."  I was about to say with tears, about to yell at him, but I did not...  Truth is, I Would NEVER let him go home alone!.  Especially when there is a lot of bad people on the bike path....

He has the type of spirit I have, he and I are almost the same, (1) He seems to be what my mother classified me as, "A Lover Not a Fighter".   (2) He has an elder brother, about 3 years older, (If you read about what my brother does or did to me, then you will understand.)...  (3) He has no friends but me, I want to be his friend, someone who does things with him...     In fact, He and I are exactly alike......

But, I find it very sad, more sad then when they grow.  That little 10 year old has no friends, except me.  And he can not see it- At my age- Yes, I know how to protect HIM, but I do not think he can see how well I try.   I asked him if I did a good job protecting him, and he said, "YES."   It kind of made me feel good knowing that.  And yes, I am his friend!    Perhaps, his only!   And yes, I will be there for his Birthday!

The time I have with him is limited, about 3 years.  because when he becomes 13- I will still be 10...  Yes, I will still be the same age you see me as.  That is why I want him, I want him to stay with me, I want to do more things with him, to do Everything with him, EVERYTHING!  I want to be right by his side always, I can not stand it when my friends grow without me,  That is why I want to spend every single moment with him...   EVERY- SINGLE- MOMENT!!!    Cause I can not grow up...    

"Can you spell (BEST FRIEND)?"
  There is lots of free space in my heart, I find him very unique, very trusting, and very nice, meaning: I want him.  I want to take care of him.  He gives me rides on his bike, sometimes he lets me use his bike, he lets me ride his bike with him on the pegs.  I make sure he does not let go of me when riding.  But I still can not forget what he says to me, when he asked if I can spell, "BEST FRIEND"  that was when I knew that he was my friend. That was also when I knew how he felt around me, and how he knows about me.    I see me on this Wednesday going with him to get my bike, I see him going with me, I see us going biking, going to Moore Park, Then coming home, spending the night, I see us getting up, having all Saturday to ourselves, Biking all the way, going out to eat, everything else..  This will be one of the best times of my life, and if I had to do it all over again, it would be with my best friend.

Christmas, 2014..  He was gone visiting, after the break, he was home on the 3rd, when I went to visit him.  I remember telling him that I missed him, and I remember the ever so sweetest thing anyone could say to me, I remember asking him if he missed me, and you know what he said,

"I REALLY MISSED YOU"...

      And That is What I Love About Him..

July 20th, 2015
        After 2 years in isolation, that 11 year old child came to my house and spent 25 hours with me.  It was probably because I had a PS4, A PS3, I had bought the bored game: Monopoly, I have over 500 movies, shows, cartoons, Plus NetFlix.  Then again I got this Computer here with a whole bunch of Super Nintindo Games, which I do not think he was interested in.  But, that day was ONE of the best days I ever had.  Just him and me.


Friends From Youth Theater

One of the kids from youth theater is a boy who lives close by that I really want to get more acquainted with, I think he was 9 when I seen him on stage, and now he and I are friends....   I do remember giving my web page to the child to give to his mom.  However, there is one thing that I regret, to this day I still hate thinking of how and why I did it...   I was willing to risk my entire volunteering career at the theater by asking the child if he wanted to get on the bus with me to go eat.  (I really should not have did that!)  She had over heard this and yelled with a loud voice, "NOOO"...   But the next day I heard from that little 9 year old boy that she did read my web page, I do not think that she had read everything, but she did say that my web page was very sad.   Although he has not came over, played a game, or watched Netflix like my other friends have, he and I are getting a lot closer towards friends, like my other friends are.  

In Fact, (here it is.)  On Thursday, March 19th, 2015  I was sitting at the bus stop, when those two kids from the 2014 summer youth camp, came over and sat down and had a convertation with me was the same day that I actully felt more overjoyed to reward them with a stop at a local convenient store to buy them stuff.  And I know what you are thinking- and do not think it.  I have spent more money on my first best friend then anybody I know.  So do not worry about it.   I would kind of like to invite them over for dinner sometime.   Besides, that 10 year old boy said that I was his "Best Best Best Best Best Friend."  And that is one of the few lines ever that I can not get out of my heart.

On January 23rd, I was at Fred Mayer (First time in a Loonnng time I was at Fred Mayer..)   I saw a kid from Youth Camp there, and it was amazing that he remembered who I was. He said, "HI MICKEY, ARE YOU GOING TO BE AT YOUTH CAMP THIS YEAR?"  I said, "Yes, I will be there. Stage sets, and Props is what I do."... 

But this year, at youth camp, I will have my business cards, I will be sure to hand them out to all those kids to give to the parents so they would understand who I am, and how bad I want more friends.   Maybe they will not want to be my friend, maybe they will just see me as a worker.  But at least they will know who I am...   They all say, "HI" to my boss, but they are yet to say, "HI" to me.

Updated: 3.29.2015


My 2nt Nephew

  I had found out that I had a nephew, (Actully, I always knew, but I never knew he would visit me.)  One who I can hold on to for many years, This little 8 year old child likes legos, cartoons, (And I just do not know what kind of kid likes pancakes.)  But O.K.

I want to tell you that what I seen was the most amazing thing ever, (I know this is weird) but I thought of him more as a psychologist- The way he was talking with me, and yet- I was sitting in my chair, he was sitting on my leg.  Now, I know that sounds weird and all, but I felt that I was loved, not by a friend, but of a family again, and I did not want to let him go.  The most beautiful moments in life are when your holding onto something, or yet someone you Love.  And for me, to have someone to hold on to, is knowing that I am alive.  Trust me- I Did Not Want To Let Go. 

Now, with my extreme abilities to take care of children, (knowing I took care of 8 of them.)  I would LOVE to ask for him, to take care of all summer long.  But I would never take a child from someone, even if it is family, but I would like to ask if I can.  The idea of having him audition for the upcoming Youth Theater play at the Ragland- (Where I work) has slipped my mind.  (2015 Youth Camp is Willy Wonka.)  If my sister wants me to have my nephew for a few weeks, then yes, I would love to have him.   Yes, I do know how to make breakfast: (pancakes, eggos, cerial, oatmeal, french toast)

Of course, you know that I can take care of him much- much longer.

Now his father, Maybe a marine, I do not know.  But for me to have friends (you might have read about this) but, when my friends leave, It completely breaks me up inside.  My nephew has to move everytime his father gets stationed elsewhere, so they might end up in new york or somewhere, and I really hate thinking about it.  I can not ask to keep my nephew forever, but I can surely ask his mom if he can stay with me through the hard times.  And trust me- from what I did in 2010- Getting a child ready for school (Multipul times)-  I know that I can do it again...

You have no idea how much I admire him.

Once again- You have NO IDEA how hard it is for me to let go of Someone!  
And when you have friend who you took care of for 10 years, - that hurt 10 times worse.

Chapter 3: Heartbreaks

Parents get them all the time, but not as nearly as much as I do...

A Heart break is when you lose a family member due to AGING, or what happens to me, (When they Out-Grow me.)   After what happened on January 23rd, 2012 when my best friend left, that was the first Heartbreak I ever had...

There are kids at a school, the park, a playground, and other places.  But do you think I can talk to them without confronting the parents?  ...NO!

Each summer at the Ragland Theater we have Youth Camp, and I get to see a lot of kids there, but those kids can not look at me as who I am.  Very rarely would I find a friend within youth camp, but even still I will be looked at funny.   But yet, I can not find how to talk to them.   Also, from what my eyes see in youth, is the future, and friends I cannot have because of this curse I have being among my little friends.    Yet, I enjoy having my little friends, but even they will never understand how I feel.  Alone, Scared, and Forgotten.  I wanted to be friends with everyone, (every child).  But I was too scared...  I would need to consult the parents, and it kind of odd to ask, "Can I be friends with him?"  

But here is what I can do...  I can tell the parents, (not only the parents of that one boy) but all the parents, I will say, In a note- when and where a party will be held, an after performance party. Either at Taco Bell, Sizzler, or Dairy Queen or Anywhere, I will ask the parents to come, and there it is a very slim possibility that I will make a lot of Friends, but I might scare them, the ones who are trying to raise their kids to be successful.  Now I know I was there an awful lot during Peter Pan, watching their performances, and I did not have to be, it was summer and all the kids were out of school, but I did not have any friends, I had no where to go-  I had nothing to do..  So I came to work, I came to the place I love the most, and I was hoping somebody, one of those kids would say, "HI" to me.

That is why my heart Prays every second to be a child again, to start over.  I do not want to be ME though; I want to be someone completely different. (Completely!)    Everyone looks at me as an adult, but I died at age 7.    All I know is I met about 30 kids in my time and NO CHILD was afraid of me.  

My friends; I know that they belong to their families, I know that you think I am trying to take these little kids for me to enjoy my life I never had, I also know that you think I am trying to enjoy companionship.  But you should know that I never attend to take from you.  I just want a friend.  The main thing is, I want to have a child to do stuff with, that my family has never done for me.

All my little 10 year old friends could see it, every one of them, they just can not figure it out.  But if they are around me long enough, they will begin to understand.   The cops know of my abilities to interact with children.   Even my Best friend told me that he wishes that I was young like him. That happened 4 times within one year.  (I feel shocked and scared, and I must be embarrassing my best friend by hanging around him.)  But he is the only person who I like, and the only Best friend I have.   I never knew I was his best friend until he said that.   It made me feel very sad when his father told me that he did not have any friends.  Now he and I get along great, he knows that I can take care of him, and he also knows that I really want his company.   I pray not only because of the friends I have, but also the education level, my reading and math levels are very low.  And yes, I do believe most children of his age are smarter then me.

If only the people knew that.. 

Remember:
  A Heartbreak is when the people you love outgrow you.

Chapter 4: Letting Go Of My Friends

Remember: Of all the inner parts of me: the soul, the mind, the spirit, the heart, the feelings.  The only part you see- Is the Form...   

I must remember the line I once read about in this web page.  External Link #6:  Letting go of those who are not really there:

There are certain people who are not meant to fit into your life no matter how much you want them to.  And the only ones truly worthy of your love are the ones who stand with you through the hard times and laugh with you after the hard times pass.  Maybe a happy ending does not include anyone else right now.  Maybe it is just you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself for something better in the future. 

There is a few parents out there who get very emotional upon that statement.  I did not want to grow up either, from the time I traveled to Klamath Falls, Oregon- I always wanted to reform my life into a little boy to live among the children who I love to be with, truth is: I fear my life is coming to an end the way I can not find the friends to keep in my heart, also knowing how hard it is to be aquatinted with such friends, and to NOT be the bad guy... 

No my friends, The only thing I want, Is to start over as someone else!   Even I know what everyone else is thinking when they read about me...   "He needs a family, he needs friends."    And People do think that I am only 10 years old...   I do not want to do anything wrong, because if I do anything wrong, then I would not have- any friends at all....

So as you might already know- my spirit is dead, it departed my soul at age 10, and the only way to rid this dead spirit of mine, (The other person living inside me) is to get rid of the soul..  I do have these thoughts at night that maybe I do not belong here as a dead person, nobody likes me, nobody cares, I would like to be adopted as a family member, I want a Christmas with a loving family, I want to go out with a family to eat.  I do want to be accepted, known, Loved, gifted, cherished, remembered, and I do not want to be a stranger.

I do want to die but God wants me to live, he created my life as a crystal ball, an experiment to see what happens when he turns an ordinary small young child into a dead person who would die to be a child again.   God created me as a very SCARED person and quite frankly I have no idea what will happen to me in the future.  So if I Die - You will know Why!!

You Have No Idea how hard it is to Live my life.

The police say, "It must be hard for you."  Yes it is VERRY Hard for me, to live like this everyday, my heart hurting, wanting to be let go of, to commit suicide, to have everyone fear me...  And to be scared to death knowing how hard it is to walk up to a child, and say, "HI".  I can not do it anymore- THEY HAVE TO.

If I can turn the hourglass around- I would, but it still would not change anything.  I will still be that growing soul without a spirit.   In fact, you should read some of the weird stuff I type, like, "Cloning".   It is true, I want to become the child I never was, to change my whole appearance.  In order to do that, one will need to clone another child, and reform my soul into his.    And Itis very weird because I see little children out there who I envy so very much, not only do they have freedom of being a child - they also have the growth that I lost a very long ago.  That is why I will never grow out of this era- I will always have a mental IQ of a 10 year old, Trapped in the realm of time.   Let us not be afraid of Death, It is your spirit that helps you Live, not your soul.  Because of this- you should know, that in 3 years after my friends grow- they will be gone.  I do not want that to happen. I hate thinking about it.   And that is what I Fear the most.  

Please remember: You can not see my soul, you can not see my heart, and you can not see my spirit.  All you see is my Form!    So, If you, or your son sees me trying to be a father, trying to support youth in a fatherly aspect, just note that I have the deepest memories of raising a child from birth, and it does burn my heart if I do not try.  That is why I can not control my emotions, I know that when my friends become 13- their gone, and you can not imagine how hard it is- NO IDEA how hard it will be when I become 50 years old.   To want kids as friends, to have kids come ask me to play a game, or to possess memories of them.  

All my friends will Scare me.   Sometimes they say that I should not be there with them, sometimes I try to be among his friends, trying to socialize with groups, but OUTSIDERS see me hanging around 10 year old kids...   But, I found out something very interesting from the police-  So far, as of November 17th 2014, it happened over 10 times.  At the park, in a small community, in a gathering, a Halloween party, even birthday parties, the police showed up.  They have read my web page- Never once have they confronted me about being around kids.  They also know that my story is true: (When They Grow Up- They Will Be Gone!)   The saddest part of all, is watching them leave.

There are a few parents out there who get very emotional upon that statement.  I did not want to grow up either, from the time I traveled to Klamath Falls, Oregon- I always wanted to reform my life into a little boy to live among the children who I love to be with, truth is: I fear my life is coming to an end the way I can not find the friends to keep in my heart, also knowing how hard it is to be aquatinted with such friends, and to NOT be the bad guy... 

No my friends, The only thing I want, Is to start over as someone else!   Even I know what everyone else is thinking when they read about me...   "He needs a family, he needs friends."    And People do think that I am only 10 years old...   I do not want to do anything wrong, because if I do anything wrong, then I would not have- any friends at all....

So as you might already know- my spirit is dead, it departed my soul at age 10, and the only way to rid this dead spirit of mine, (The other person living inside me) is to get rid of the soul..  I do have these thoughts at night that maybe I do not belong here as a dead person, nobody likes me, nobody cares, I would like to be adopted as a family member, I want a Christmas with a loving family, I want to go out with a family to eat.  I do want to be accepted, known, Loved, gifted, cherished, remembered, and I do not want to be a stranger.

I do want to die but God wants me to live, he created my life as a crystal ball, an experiment to see what happens when he turns an ordinary small young child into a dead person who would die to be a child again.   God created me as a very SCARED person and quite frankly I have no idea what will happen to me in the future.  So if I Die - You Will know Why!!

Imagine you were a child, and all you wanted was someone to talk to, imagine not having any friends.  To see kids from a distance, 12 kids talking to each other, while you feel left out.   The only place I would see this type of activity is either in a school, a water park, a playground, or yet- in a youth theater.   Truth is- in 3 years when they (OUT-GROW) me, they will be gone, and want nothing to do with me, this worries me.  It Scares me greatly for them to out-grow me.    Now imagine you were me, you walk up to a family- you introduce yourself, but you still have no idea what to say.

But still - I will remember having friends through-out my whole life, every single day I will have that one memory of them and as in a video I once made, "It is not what you give them, it is what they give you in return."  Everyone who reads this web page all agree with me.   So if I were to commit suicide, I would not have to worry, because my spirit will have a new soul to use.  God will create a new life, and once again- the child will wined up hating it.

 Just As I Do Mine!

And you can ask every friend of mine how I treated them:  Loving, Caring, Devoting, and Faithful, Never Once were they afraid of me.    And I do not care what you do for me, what you give me, or if you were to give me a family- I will still live in fear, forever.


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Forever Trapped In Time

 

Click on Any of the books below to read more about my life.

Please note that because of Identity reasons, there will be no names of my friends or family members in any of my web pages.

               

   


 

By: Mickey Buchanan
6007 Marius Dr.
Klamath Falls, Oregon

97603